CSA Survivor Story – 4.
The Repercussions of Abuse
A paying guest. My father’s friend. And a blood relative – my own uncle. What do these three men have in common?
Me.
All three of them are guilty of sexually abusing me.
All three of them are guilty of robbing my childhood.
Growing up in the States in the early 80’s and in Bangalore in the late 80’s and early 90’s, CSA wasn’t really talked about. Probably because people didn’t think it existed. After all, monsters like that belong in hell. Unfortunately, they take a stroll through Earth first.
What were the repercussions of my abuse?
Well, the first time I was abused, I must have been around six or seven years old, and it was by the paying guest we had at home in the States. It was a few times, but it was blatant, disgusting, rough and enough. And I was not alone. I know the monster pawed at my friends and at my parent’s friend’s children too. I didn’t understand the full import of it, but I do remember feeling terribly, terribly dirty. I felt unclean for a long time and I hated that feeling, so I did what I thought best…I blocked the memory out of my mind entirely. I forgot it ever happened until…
I was fifteen, living in Bangalore and an uncle abused me. It was just the one time, but it was all the more devastating because it totally shattered my self-esteem. He didn’t just sexually abuse me, but he played sick mind-games as well, commenting on my body, my puppy fat and my propensity to put on weight.
And a few years later, when I’d finally shed the fat and turned into a decent looking bird if not exactly the beautiful swan, my father’s friend tried to kiss me…a big, fat, slobbering smooch which I couldn’t wash off me for days.
The effect of each abuse was severe to the point of being extreme. As a result of the first episode in the States, there’s is a huge gap in my memory. I just can’t remember what my childhood was like. Yes, there are a few hazy memories, but nothing which stands out like a bright light; nothing that comforts me. I don’t even remember our trip to Disneyland. When the second episode with the relative happened, it brought all the terrible memories rushing back…along with other sad memories.
Today, I am severely, emotionally crippled as a result of this. I can only remember sad and unhappy things that have happened to me. My happy memories are non-existent. It’s almost like nothing good ever happened to me in my life. I am constantly depressed because of this.
It kills me to hear my family and friends reminisce about their childhood as they back-slap, guffaw with raucous laughter and hold their sides from laughing too hard. And there I sit like the harbinger of gloom; a person so mirthless she can only remember being teased and taunted throughout her childhood; a person who so looked forward to her wedding, desperately wanting it to be the happiest day of her life, except now when she thinks back she can only remember an aunt making her cry and other cringe-worthy episodes; a person who tries to write down every little moment of happiness she shares with her sons in the frantic and desolate hope that at least the written word will help her recollect the sunshine moments her boys have given her.
The other damage that is a direct result of the abuse, especially by perpetrators two and three, is that I have a terrible image of myself. I have a distorted body image, I have never felt pretty enough, I have always been on the plump side with no intention of trying to correct in my younger years and I have a depressingly low sense of self-esteem. I’m not worthy of anything good. When my uncle told me that I was too fat and that I needed to lose weight, I deliberately chose not to do anything, thinking that if I was fat, I would be too repulsive for him to want to touch me again. When the puppy fat finally shed of its own accord and boys began to give me a second glance, it felt nice. More than nice actually – it was a huge ego boost. So I started to take a little interest in what I wore and how I looked. But then that old man had to go and kiss me – and it shattered me once more. If looking pretty and having a sense of worth about oneself meant inviting the lecherous paws of men old enough to be your father, I wanted no part of it.
I’m in my thirties today. I don’t have any friends from my school days. I have just one bosom buddy from my college years. I am closer to my virtual buddies than I am to the people I socialize with. And it’s all because I have nothing happy to talk about. I have scared away many potential friends because I unburden myself way too quickly and share episodes from my life which should probably be reserved for the 100th meeting or so.
I want my childhood back. I want my happy memories back. I want to be that sunshiny girl that I knew I once was.
Those bastards stole more than my innocence. They stole the very essence of happiness from my soul and everyday is a living hell.
Hugs, the repercussions of their momentary selfish pleasure corrodes the entire life of their victims. I hope that you can put this behind you eventually and realise what an utterly beautiful person you are inside out.
We all echo that, M4.
It’s a battle. I haven’t forgiven my abusers and I know I never will. I wonder if I could ever confront them…and then what?
What distresses me most is the fact that I can’t seem to remember or hold on to happiness. That is the most precious thing they have stolen from me.
Have you considered keeping a daily diary and regularly reading old entries to re-live those days? Maybe you cannot get your childhood back but these are your happy days and you deserve to remember every bit of them.
That’s why I started my blog…to record precious moments of fun, laughter and happiness with my children.
Hugs,I hope someday you are able to get over the sadness and emptiness brought about by these incidents..You sound like a great person and the fact that you want that sunshiny person to come back,that itself shows,you will get over this..even if u never forget it.
As for those B#$%^s may they rot in hell..actually no..may they burn in hell!
Amen to that. She is a fighter, may she win this war.
Thank you. I hope this is a new beginning for me.
The desire to be happy puts you on the road to happiness. Put the past behind you and decide to become the sunshine girl once again. And remember that you were not in ANY way responsible for what happened. A big handshake for coming out with your story.
Well put, Padma. It is brave and inspirational to read M4’s piece.
Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. As I was telling a friend sometime ago, there are days and months when I don’t even think about the abuse or the a**h****, but it’s this perpetual sadness which is a burden. It’s the loss of happy memories that I mourn…
I wish I knew you… I wish we could be friends. I wish I could be a part of your virtual world…. Better late than never, isn’t it?
Sharing pain is bringing us all many new friends. Here is to a shared closure too one day maybe.
Welcome to my world, Writerzblock. Me virtual casa es su virtual casa.
And thank you CSA for putting it so eloquently…here’s to shared closure as well.
Gosh! Sounds terrible girl. But I believe the fact that you realise that it was them at fault is a big step forward! I can only offer love and hugs, but believe its not worth filling your entire life with negativity because of some awful monsters. Really not worth letting them control your mind, so many years into the incidents, its difficult, but I am sure if you try you can get rid of their influence, esp with the loving family you have around you now! Hugs!
M4, you listening to what GM says? Don’t let them win.
It’s hard, you know. As I was saying, I don’t think I let them rule my life. I just want a normal memory, where I can remember the good along with the bad.
@MammaMia: I don’t usually endorse this, but in your particular case, I would really suggest you see a hypnotherapist (spend some time looking for, and get extensive reviews before you see one though).
Hypnosis, if done by an “evolved” practitioner will help you unlock some of those good memories – and work you out of the trauma.
You need to release your block and go live life like it is meant to be lived. There are lessons from any trauma, and once you understand them, you will realize that there is absolutely no reason for you to live with what you call, a “perpetual sadness”.
I have actually been giving this a lot of thought for about two years now. It’s something I am deeply interested in, but I haven’t voiced this to anyone. I also think that only an evolved practitioner can help me unlock those memories. After all, it’s impossible that there weren’t any moments of happiness in my life, right? I refuse to believe it!
You have to let joy rule your world. No sick bastards can rob you of your right to happiness.
I honestly don’t know if a confrontation with an abuser will provide catharsis or not- that, I suppose, depends on your knowledge of him and of yourself.
In any case, please please please live with joy and peace.
In the Twitter chat this afternoon Anuja said that they do not necessarily recommend a confrontation with the abuser because very few survivors have the resources necessary to dealing with the floodgates that open. More on that when the chat is collated into a blog post.
Peace, yes, that is an important word. There is too much turmoil inside which makes everything unsettling.
And no, I don’t think confrontation would help. The 1st guy lives in America, but I have to admit that I do fantasise about slapping him really hard if I ever met him!! My uncle? — no, I don’t want to, it would devastate my entire family and I don’t think I could live with the repercussions of that. As for the old chap, again, it wouldn’t really serve much purpose 😦
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My heart goes out for you (big hug), I think that the victims of CSA would be vindicated if the abusers started being caught and punished. The most frieghtening thing is that each of the guys who harrassed you also did so to other helpless girls too and sadest part is that they were none the wiser about what harm they have done to the young minds by a moment’s dalliance! I remember, the uncle who molested me asking me in a marked manner “what did we do…?” just a few days before he got married, the man had no remorse, this was because he knew that I will never spill the beans! He was asking me what I remembered of the episodes, the rat! I could not answer, I wish I could have slapped him then! I don’t know what he was thinking! I never got to tell him how much I detest him…the man died a few years ago, a painful death! But even that has not given me any peace, I cringe every time I think of him and the unexpressed hatred is poison in my heart!
You are in our prayers, Diya, and we do hope you find your peace one day. Your abuser does not deserve to wield this kind of power over you.
Oh Diya! My heart goes out to you! I know how difficult it is to cross the river, but we must, even if we take our taim and all we do is doggy-paddle. I wish you peace of mind with many, many bright, beautiful tomorrows.