CSA Survivor Story – 6.

Yes I have been a victim, and yes like many of you I have done nothing about it apart from carrying that guilt with me till date. Since the time me and Kiran started talking about CSAAM initiative, the only fear I had in my mind was will a lot of childhood monsters come back and try and haunt me through the month and more importantly while I am urging others to share their story will I be able to share mine? Will I have to strength to do that? After thinking a lot, writing and deleting a million times, thinking of posting it as anon I decided to just open up and heal myself in the process.

But when I started writing I was confused very confused, where should I start? With a 15-year old cousin who tried to play mommy-daddy with me when I was 6? Another cousin who tried to show me how different is their private part from ours and encouraged me to feel it? With a tuition teacher who tried to tell me that he will teach me better because he loves me more and because he loves me more the way to show it is for him to feel me up when I was what may be 10? Or with an uncle who always used to have work in the house when mum and dad were not around, and the work used to always get done with me sitting on his lap his hands getting more confident with each time? Or with the school canteen owner who promised to save me from the scoldings of the very strict chemistry teacher by giving me the kit that I have forgotten home if I let him kiss me?

The more I think more such memories pop up in my mind and frankly I neither have the strength nor the energy to think about each of one them and list them down. I think beyond a point the number stops making any difference. But one thing which comes to me consistently with each such memory is the feeling of guilt. Guilt that I let that happen, guilt that if it was happening to me it MUST BE MY FAULT. The feelings ranged from extreme fear when I was young, to extreme helplessness as I was growing up, to extreme guilt and rage in teenage when it almost felt like being a prostitute, you give me sex I will do a favour for you and if you don’t be aware I will tell everyone that you are a loose charactered girl. No one will play with you after that. And what will your parents think of you when they know what you have been upto? They will be ashamed, very ashamed of having a daughter like you and with that a thought came in my mind. Why o why haven’t I tried telling this to my mom, she will of course understand. She has been a pillar of strength to us in every other walk of life.

And with this I went to my mom who like most parents of that generation didn’t know how to handle this and I was  told to shut up and stay away from them, but stay away from whom? My cousins? My uncles? Who still come home, whose homes we still visit and who pass that dirty look to me when they see me. Who have the courage to hold my hand and try to kiss me in a house full of relatives because they know I don’t have balls to shout against it. I felt even more guilty, if even my mom doesn’t support I must be REALLY guilty right? And I grew up with abuse, guilt and depression. Trying to find myself in the middle of this I was a very confused child not wanting to do well in anything, with zero confidence and zero will.

And I grew up to be a girl a very different girl from what I am now, when I went to college and fell in love. It was my ex who helped me heal partly. Showed me that love isn’t always gross it can be beautiful too.

But if you ask me I still feel guilty at times, still a nagging thought comes to my head – WAS IT MY FAULT? I am waiting for a day when I can say to myself without thinking for a second NO IT WASN’T…. May be this month will help me heal. Serve my selfish motive too along with the bigger purpose.

– Yet another victim or Mon, does it matter?