CSA Survivor Story – 35.
The Sympathy Seeker..
Harish Iyer
I remember the day when my ship had capsized and I was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. The devil that was all around me, and the deep blue sea within me. And guess what, I did not know how to swim. Struggling, I created ripples in the water. And all that the world could see is that someone was screaming… yelling, so barmy… seeking attention famously. I held on to anything afloat – but the things that were floating were nothing but an illusion. I went deep, so deep in the trenches of pain that I could hardly comprehend what I was feeling. Morose, I wilted like the withered petals of a rose.
I was just out of a trauma of child sexual abuse. Something that I had been experiencing for the past 11 years. I was out of it. The silence and the “want” to speak had been heating up lava inside me. I wanted to get it off my system. I had spent years wanting to speak, and now all i wanted, was a ear to hear.
I spoke. I spoke. And I spoke. People were compassionate with me. Some tapped me on my back for having found the courage to speak. Some simply cried bucket full of tears with me. I felt nice. I felt nice because I found someone to hear me out. My emotional scars were diminishing i thought. I started speaking – up and about about my abuse. About the fact that I was just merely at a merry age of 7, when i was abused. I was mauled. Clawed. And that I had no language to protest what I detest. I couldn’t object to the objects that were inserted in me. That I cried just once, and felt the pain just once.. It was that first time, and after that, my emotions had numbed and i turned dumb to the pain. At just the age of 7. I knew the taste of semen.
I know what you must be thinking while you are reading this. Some of you must have shut your screens in absolute horror. And the others, must be thinking, and many would have the question at the tip of their tongue but not have the exact choice of words or courage to ask me… their concern is genuine, and there are some who have been up-straight-insulting.
“To shout, why you didn’t dare?” – o! yaah, people have asked me this, and so poetically, funnily, mockingly. Rhymes, isn’t it? Yes, one can but not deny the rhyme.
But had they only known what it means to be sodomised at the tender age of 7. Something that continued till I reached 18. In school, i used to get up from my bench as my rear used to hurt. And get reprimanded by the teacher. I went to the loo, only when there were none inside. Kidney bursts and private emotional outbursts that happened within me. I tried telling mom about the bleeding, and mom had no clue… she said “mangoes! you eat too many mangoes… and that creates heat”… I did not have the power of language then to tell her that “heat” it was, but not mine, someone elses that I was satisfying. And that, in the bargain, i was bleeding.
By the time I grew up, i turned from a boy-whore to a man-whore. Satisfying every sexual need, many sadomasochistic experiments. Experiments that i was the guinea pig for. Did I have a choice? YES!… Did I muster the courage to exercise the choice? NO! Did I share it with anyone? YES.
I confided in a friend about my “history” and he ensured that everyone geographically close and beyond knew about it. Soon, i had college walls adorned with graffiti that read “for gay sex contact harish”. When i sat on my bench, it had chalk marks written “fag”. People spoke about me- in front of me spoke so loudly that I could hear “dont talk to him, he sluts around with his uncle”. I contemplated suicide. I tried. I failed.
I had no friend. And then, I found one. A four legged pal called – Jimmy. I spoke to him. Loud and Aloud. I spoke to him. And he licked my tears. He understood every emotion of mine. And acknowledged me without judging me. That real me.
This gave me the courage. Courage to speak up for animal rights. Slowly, i started speaking up. From animal rights to human rights to my rights… i transited. The courage to say NO. And all that it took, was a kick and loud and stern NO to stop the abuse. The abuse that lasted for 11 years.
Did my struggle end then? Not really! It was then that it started. I waged a war against the ones who violated a child’s right to be a child. I couldn’t stop offenders in this country that had no law against child sexual abuse. I could create awareness though. Make teachers, parents and children aware about “good touch and bad touch”. And form a support system for them, should they need to speak. I started receiving counseling calls. I told them that I wasn’t qualified to counsel. But I am good to be a friend who listens. The goodness of Jimmy, and that attribute of his to listen without judging is what lived in me even after he died. A dog taught me something that even god could not.
I spoke at many forums. Openly. Even about my sexuality – which is gay. Because there is this common perception that if you are abused as a child by a member of your own gender you “turn” gay. I believe, that there are two things – sexuality and sexual habits. Sexuality is innate, and sexual habits could be born out of experiences. I did have consensual sex with a woman. It was a one night stand, but it wouldn’t stand. (LOL).. I could either have “experimented” with a wife as a dummy, or stood up for my sexuality. I chose the latter. I am a gay man. And I am in love with a lovely man. That’s what I am. My identity.
As I spoke about abuse. There were several calls I attended to. Just that, I cant share about that openly here. And may be, that gave people a chance to believe that I overdo things. And my very close friends, and family too, have said nasty things “do you need to do this” asks someone. “O Do you know people see you as a sympathy seeking bas!@rd” says another. And now that I have two films and a book that i underway inspired by my life, it gives them even more the reason to speak and presume that “I am doing this for my self publicity” or that i cringe too much and “cling tosympathy”.
Does it hurt me? Yes! when it comes from people who matter to me, it does. Do I mourn and cry about it? Yes I do. Do I love them anyway? YES.
One day, they would understand. That it takes a lot of self-talk, self-belief to share your dirtiest secret. And not that it is… but that even if it was to market myself. What’s wrong? It eventually wakes up the conscience of several souls and magically helps people to heal. The sympathy seeker – me, does wake up, and speak up because I know.
“Nothing but helps a bleeding heart, than a heart that has healed. “
That seared the heart… kudos to you, for your courage not just to talk to other people about the abuse you have been through, but also for the courage it takes to face yourself, and realise that it was not YOUR fault but the baseness of another person’s character. I’d like to know, though, did you manage to get the abuser punished legally? Are you looking at options to send him to prison? That, is the least of punishments that he deserves.
And no, I certainly don’t see you as a ‘sympathy seeker’.
‘That which does not kill us makes us stronger’
Surviving such horrific abuse such as this, has made you a much much stronger person. That also helps you talk about it, because (1) it is a slow release of pent-up anguish (2) it helps a wider society, at large, so other parents/kids can try a little harder, to protect themselves!
God bless…
Your story is very touching. I can totally understand the pain and fear that you have lived for sooo long. Around two years back I did a research on child sexual abuse, as part of my masters course, where I got to talk to few adult survivors of child sexual abuse. Its sad that there is no laws against the perpetrators in our country. Incidents of CSA either don’t get reported, those who do get the attention, there is not much in the legal books to deal with them. The perpetrators often get out of it easily due to the loopholes in the legal system. But what you have done is rightly an act of courage. Keep the fight going. Good luck.
It is up to us all to right together for these laws to protect ourselves and our children — as we are doing.
@Writerzblock
thank you for your kind words. 🙂 yes, what doesnt kill , makes us stronger.
legally, there is no law against child sexual abuse. victims are tried under the rape law which speaks about “outraging the modesty of a WOMAN” … so male survivors have no place to go.
there is a new law that will soon come into existence, hopefully soon.
Harish,
I was very upset reading your story, I couldn’t control the tears that rolled from my eyes. I really admire your courage for coming forward. God bless you.
thanks deepa
Yur story is indeed very painful, but tell me Harish, is that the reason you turned gay ? I mean, is there any connection between the abuse you had and you turning a gay..
sorry for a year long delayed reply.
no hari.
no one TURNS gay. You either are gay, or you are not.
there are 2 different things – sexual orientation and sexual habits.
sex abuse could lead to sexual habits, but sometime your innate orientation would emerge.
and secondly, i had complete aversion to men. why would i think of making love to the same gender that had inflicted so much pain on me?
@vertika thank you. i hope things would change with new laws that specially deal with child sexual abuse.
I applaud your courage – the courage to break the cycle of abuse, to speak out in such clear terms about it, to warn others of the dangers that lurk, to move on and build a life for yourself, to love another person. Thank you for sharing the story of your exemplary life and best wishes for your future.
thanks richa
Harish I have had the good fortune of knowing you for all these years. And I have heard a few idiots talking/writing ill about you behind your back. I have known you to rush across town to console a survivor. I have seen your passion when you talk to a group of college students. And I know, that such passion cannot be contrived. Your desire to help others is not a selfish desire. It is a desire to empower each one of us. I have certainly derived strength from you. And F&^% the A$%^&*() who think you are doing all this for your personal gains. God bless you.
thank you D. you have been a great support and have been my strength too. thank you.
Harish-Your story is heartbreaking, but inspiring and comforting to others who have gone through the same thing. I applaud your courage to write a book and start a film. I don’t think you’re seeking sympathy. You’re fighting for child’s rights and awareness, as you say.
It’s truly sad to be sexually abused and than to be insulted and invalidated by others, such as people on your campus and your family. But you’re giving voice to other male sexual abuse survivors out there……I wish you well in your recovery.
sad, but true.
everyone likes an easy unarmed prey.
My God! … I can’t imagine a 7 year old having to go through all that. I have been a victim myself.. but it took me ages to be able to talk about it.
I couldn’t have said it better than Richa. Where others would have broken , you choose to fight it out. Thank you for sharing your story here.
thank you for your kind words.
My heart goes out to you, Harish, for all you underwent. May you continue to help others with your compassion and your courage. I hope that all abusers of innocent children roast in a special hell.
thanks dipali. but the fact is that as long as man exists, so will evil.
Why the hell u had to undergo all this at the such a tender age.I can’t stop myself crying.Kudos to u for fighting.
there is no answer to your WHY.
we all are given different tasks and struggles in our lives. This was mine.
Though it was not a choice that i was offered, i accept it.
The story is very upsetting and you are very inspiring Harish. Hats off to you, and thank you for sharing. 🙂
thanks Yasmeen
Just went over to your blog, and wow Harish, you are such an inspiration, your words ‘Survival is more important than escape’ are still ringing in my head. What comes after reading your story is simply ‘Respect’, like someone said. You are a great human being, and I’m so happy and proud for what you have made out of your life, and I wish you all the happiness, and a great life ahead.
thanks dear
I just cant believe what i just read!!! its terrible!! Man u were faced with all this Torture!! Well we can only Pray for those who resort to all this that they might change & understand what is the True meaning of a Child and that they need to be protected, Taught the right things, guided and help them Grow Strong and Tall with Dignity.
thank you nigel. we all live on hope.
and we need to keep hoping and take steps for awareness all our lives.
As till human exists, the devil in them will too.
Thanks, Harish, for your post. Accounts like yours have helped so many of us come to terms with our own experiences and highlighted how much work there is ahead of us all if we want a safer future.
true. csaam is a wonderful initiative.
and im glad that i could share my story in this platform…
thank you for this initiative – from survivors, parents, friends and me.
Harish,
I used to imagine that it is mainly women who are at the receiving end of sexual abuse but I now stand corrected. Whatever you went through was shocking but I admire your desire to extend a hand to other victims. anyone in your place would have never have been able to pick up the pieces and not only move on but to be of help to others in similar situations. May you continue your good work my son. My prayers are with you.
my mothers name is padma too.. so for a second i thought “gosh, when did mom get so net savvy”.. 🙂
thanks padma.
Pingback: I AM | Day 7 | Monika's World