CSA Survivor Story – 37.

Educate children. Do not trust anyone. Believe your child. Gain your child’s trust, they should be able to come tell you anything.

I would like to share some of my experiences here.

I had a bad time at a wedding hall when i was four and my mother was not around. The cook kissed me and i felt like puking for a long time after that. Just a little while later, I was around four or five, there was a male servant at home. He would lay down on me  but i would not remove my underwear. I did not think what he was doing to me was wrong at that time. I just did not want to remove my clothes. but later on when i saw movies, I thought I was pregnant for a really long time, that I would have a baby anytime soon. That my family would make me go away with that servant. I would be crying all the time telling my mom I had a tummy pain.  She never realized what was wrong.

During the time when he was abusing me, I was in 1 grade. a boy in class told me that he loved me. I cried buckets and was miserable when he said this. I though i was betraying my loyalties to the servant since I had to go away with him due to the pregnancy. It was just too much for me to handle. Then there was this older cousin who wanted to sleep next to me in the night when family was over. I could make out he was not being nice, I was 7 and wiser. I just put my foot down. Wow, so much experience so early 😦

I have never told this to my mother. She grew up in a nuclear family and was absolutely naive and stupid. But I wish I did not have to go through that as a child. i feel sorry for the kid that I was looking back, going through all those emotions i could not handle.
Some times sitting at school, I would think why me, why am i the only one to go through this and think all the other kids were happier=better; I always felt outside the happy group. I had very good friends in my school life. They are such a source of support. when i shared that I had been abused, but not the details… two other friends of mine related their experiences. Finally I felt that i was not alone.

Some of the effects: I am under confident, never think i can make anything of myself. Do not enjoy my sex life as much, very very worrysome. maybe they are unrelated, but for sure it would have been nicer not to have been abused. That’s why maybe I am over zealous in protecting my child. I quit my job so that i could protect my child when he is young. I want to protect his innocence so that when he grows he looks back with confidence, happiness and nothing mars it for him.