CSA Survivor Story – 46.

This happened when I was in Grade 4.  During my summer vacation I used to stay with my grandparents and there was this cousin (Was 10 yrs older to me) who stayed with them taking care of them.  Like every other kid, watching cartoons was one of the past times.  It was during one such watching cartoon in the afternoon session that my cousin picked me up and made me sit on his lap.  Being the pet of the entire family I thought this was an extension to the pampering, before I could even realize he had his hands all over me and was squeezing me so tight and rubbing himself on me.  It all felt so wrong so dirty.  I started crying and he left me.  Soon it became like a past time for him, corner me in some part of the house and touch me inappropriately which went on for two months or more.

I remember being so confused, so ashamed and so dirty.  I didn’t know if I could tell my parents or his.  I refused to go over to the grandparents place and soon after started Nocturnal Enuresis – commonly called Bedwetting. Only years later I realized that sexual abuse was an established cause for bedwetting.  My mother sensed something was wrong and asked me a lot of times if anybody misbehaved with me.  Till this day I don’t know why I didn’t confide in her, but I felt so ashamed, so guilty.  But after the bedwetting started she made sure she accompanied me everywhere and never let me alone least near that guy.

I soon grew up to be rebellious, was a tom boy, hated men – all men, trusted no one, never shared my thoughts, was so revengeful  and had no soul friends.  But yeah I had my mum.  The next time he tried to molest me I was in college.  I hit him back with the first thing that I got in my hand.  And then he backed, I told the family, my mum, dad, brother, his parents, sisters all.  I didn’t care who was on whose side.  It was slinging dirt back and froth, but I was ready I hardly cared, I didn’t want to go through hell just cause he couldn’t have a control on himself.

For everyone out there who’s gone through it, it’s not the end of the world.  I’m a stronger person now because I spoke out and my family stood by me.  Of course I still don’t trust people, get very annoyed with male chauvinism, and want to be the first the hit the evil person.  In a country where family values are held in such high respect it is so disheartening to read so many such incidents.  We need to speak out. Speaking out is a therapy in itself.