Silent no more… My story of childhood sexual abuse – A Survivor’s Story
Well, I can’t tell you things chronologically. Some of it is fuzzy while other portions are quite clear. I hope I don’t get too graphic for any of you, but I just want you to understand my past. I didn’t have it easy, but I also know many have had it far worse. Sometimes I have to remind myself that when I am feeling down. There are probably triggers below. Please forgive me or stop reading if any of this upsets you or gives you flash backs; it’s not my intention, I just want you to understand where I am coming from. I don’t expect anyone else to be this open if they are not ready to.
Well, I know that it ended when I was 9. I honestly do not know when it began, I do not remember the age it started, or how long it went on. I remember more the episodes themselves, not necessarily the times they occurred. He was my stepdad at the time. My mother had no idea. He had 3 sons, they were all never harmed by him. I was just the “lucky” one. Oh yes, before I forget, let me also mention that he was a police officer for our county at the time. Lovely eh? Oh, and an alcoholic, so he claims.
So, my mom (and real dad) worked FT to provide for me. She and my real dad split up before I was a year old, but we all still get along really well. My mom, dad, current stepdad and grandmother are what I consider my “real” family. Everyone else in my family, I get along with, but I don’t trust many of them and I am not all that close to them. My mom would drop me off at Kindercare (I think that was the name), while she went to work. Sometimes if she had to work late, or if he got off early, my then stepdad (Chip) was on the list to be allowed to pick me up.
I truly don’t remember when it began. I remember he used to wear shorts around the house without underwear, and sit pretty spread eagle like most guys do, so I happened to see his “junk” on many occasions. I didn’t know what the parts were, I just knew I didn’t have them, and I would always look away when I saw, because I knew I wasnt supposed to. I always thought it was coincidence, but later, I had to wonder if it was. Wondered if he was checking my reaction to see about acting on anything.
At some point, he started picking me up as often as he could. It started innocently enough, telling me how beautiful I was growing up to be. He then started asking me to change clothes when I got home, or take a bath, which he would sometimes watch me, and eventually he started helping me. Doesnt seem weird for a parent to help their kids bathe, but the places he eventually began helping me “wash” and “clean” were not good places. Me being a dumb child, I knew it felt bad, and wrong, but I honestly didn’t know it was wrong. I assume this was what parents did if they were home and not working.
Then things escalated to him taking Polaroids of me nude after baths or in various states of undress. He would also show me nudie pics of other women, and tell me this was how beautiful I was going to grow up to be. He then started telling me that I couldn’t tell mom I was seeing/doing this. I listened because I was taught to respect my parents/elder