Account of ‘an abused, an abuser and a survivor’ – Anonymous

Okay so I have been abused. The reason I came here to CSAAM was maybe I wanted to find some closure and some understanding.  But as the days go by and the more and more I read, I get all the more uncomfortable.Things that I had blocked from mind have surfaced to the present and are staring me in the eye and asking for explanation.
I am a perpetrator. I abused my 10 year old brother when I was 6.5. Yeah that’s when I did it. I didn’t know I was abusing him then or later. But now I remember him crying and telling me that this what I am doing is not right. I on the other hand was the confident one telling him “You are such a scardy poo, uncle does this all the time and he said there is nothing wrong. Do you know we get more chocolates because I lie on him”.  After that one incident, I don’t have a memory of me abusing him again. But as we grew up, my brother used this excuse to abuse me over and over again. It was not physically harmful but emotionally draining since I had to pose and sit in weird ways without my clothes for him to achieve his happiness. But once I decided to say “No” and that was the end of it. Sadly enough he found another prey, and another. All that I came to know at later stages of my life.

And again when I was 14, I was abused by another paternal uncle. But this time, since I was a little more bigger. I ran to my mom who had gone to our neighbours’ house leaving me alone with this uncle. He couldn’t do anything
but it instilled a fear and a feeling in my mind that all my father’s brothers are bad people. I wanted to revenge myself on them all. I wished all of them horrible lives. That’s when I went to live with one of my uncles, along with my family. I decided in my mind that his daughter should also have a bad experience. I took her to the bathroom and made her touch my private part. The poor thing loved me so much that she was ready to do anything 😦 I was not done. I told her I would do the same for her at night when we go to sleep. She agreed. But by that night, I had come to my senses and realised that I had done something really wrong. We all slept together and my cousin was asking me,  “Chechi, you told you would do something na?  What is it? ” I acted as if I was asleep. She called me many times. But I just didn’t react. The next day , she had a hurt look on her face. The remaining days I ignored her, because I was too full of guilt.

I had thought till now, till I read many stories, that what I did was a one time thing, she must have forgotten about it. It must not have affected her. I hoped she had forgotten. Because she has always been very loving toward me, I thought in my head that it might not have happened. Finally I mustered up all my courage and apologised to her . But either she doesn’t remember it or has chosen to forget it. She first said that she doesn’t remember me doing anything to her. And even if I did, it was something that I did when I was a child. It should be forgiven. I
really don’t know if I should be. But I feel so much relieved to have it out of my system. This is my story. Something I had never shared with anyone. It was always feelings of guilt that stopped me from doing this. Now finally I have the courage to share it , thanks to someone who has taken time to make me feel alright about what happened to me and what I did too. Thanks to her and all the people out there who willingly reach out to the abused children who dwell inside adults like me.

I have a younger sister who is 8 years younger than me and I was very clear that I would tell her everything my mother had not told me. I taught her from a young age that places where no one should touch her. That rubbing you against their body parts is not right. That removing your clothes in front of anyone else other than Amma or me, only except while giving her a bath or changing her dress, was not okay. The one major thing I taught her was that whatever happens, I am there for her. She should tell me whatever happens. I would always be there for her. She is 22 now, and I am really proud to say that she has not been abused.

I always feel that, had my mom or dad taken the time and courage to explain to me about sexual abuse when I was younger,  I would have a better childhood and a better adult life too. But I can’t blame them either, since they have never been able to discuss these kind of things. I hope all parents in my generation onwards will muster up the courage to speak to their kids and tell them about sexual abuse early on in their lives. Also this “respect your elders” point of view should be changed to “respect their actions”. If the actions of an elder is not right you should be able to stand up for yourself or those close to you against the action.

– an abused, an abuser and a survivor