CSA Survivor Story -1.
My childhood, as I remember it, has been a procession of uncles. The
old geezer, both feet in the grave who wanked all over me when I was
barely five. The distant relative who felt me up when I was eight or
nine. Not to mention the friends of the father who would make me sit
on their laps while I squirmed because I could tell there was
something not quite right. The immediate relative who would come over
home when I was a teen, knowing that my parents would be away at work,
but couldn’t work up the courage to do what he came for. Or maybe it
was because I was older, more knowing. And more insistent that he
leave immediately. And so many others. Did I tell? Yes, I did. The
first time I was five I told my parents, I was warned to not go to the
person’s house again. The next, I was warned not to find myself alone
in the company of the molester. The third, I was kept locked in the
house throughout my summer vacations or when my parents were not at
home, like a prisoner. They still roamed around in society, their
heads held high. Nothing was said to them. I was made to feel guilty,
ashamed of being a girl. Ashamed of my body. Ashamed of being too
‘developed’ so much so that I went on a starvation diet when I was
around 16 to lose all my curves, thinking it would make men not look
at me. I lost half my body weight, with it my periods, and set the
cycle for a lifetime of polycystic ovarian disease and infertility
issues, which I still suffer from. I went to the other extreme and
bloated out, hoping that overweight would be unattractive. I wore
clothes that covered me fully, full sleeves, long skirts and trousers.
I became a nerd, a girl with her head perennially in the books,
studying to avoid socializing. I refused to leave the house for days.
Till date I have self-esteem and body image issues which I have learnt
to accept and overlook.
It took me long to fall in love with someone, and trust him enough to
marry him. Longer to accept my sexuality and accept the fact that this
could give pleasure, the guilt and the shame always overshadowed the
act.
When I think back, my anger is not towards the men who abused me, but
towards my parents, who refused to confront those men, who chose to
play it safe. They were the ones who truly scarred me for me. All they
had to do, was to tell me it was not my fault, I wasn’t to blame. If
they would have just told me that, I would have been a more confident
person, instead of spending my teens and my twenties steeped in guilt
for being a ‘bad’ girl.
– Just Another Victim.
It really sucks that you felt guilty. To me, that is the worst part about it all. Thanks for sharing.
A majority of abusers take special pains to ensure that the young victim carries the guilt (by telling the child he/she is to blame etc) partly to ensure their silence, partly to ensure their unprotesting compliance for further abuse. Some of course feel so powerful that they don’t care what the child feels either way.
And the parents add to it by either not believing the child or asking them to take counter-measures, which makes it seem like it was there fault in the first place.
Holy God !!! All these relatives – how they take us for granted huh !!!
And, the only solace for a girl, is comforting parents. And I feel so sad that the lacking comfort created so many issues with you.
Many hugs for having found the person whom u love.
The effects of CSA, unfortunately, last far beyond the childhood. In ways we never expected.
I’ve made sure that my daughter reads the posts here…..to make sure the awareness spreads….probably she’ll tell her frnds abt it…..
That’s a wonderful gesture! Thank you Uma.
Just Another Victim — your name says it all, doesn’t it? How we as a society deal with this?
Thank you for speaking up here.
I hope the poster doesn’t view herself as a Victim still. Cos she is more than a Survivor, she is a Fighter.
“Longer to accept my sexuality and accept the fact that this
could give pleasure, the guilt and the shame always overshadowed the
act.”
I’ve read this account four times and this is the sentence that stays with me. It is the victim who carries the weight of the crime around for the rest of their life.
‘It is the victim who carries the weight of the crime around for the rest of their life’.
In order to prevent such a heartbreaking scenario, the one thing the victims need to do is share their experiences with trusted listeners in order to expiate that totally unwarranted guilt. And also disseminate this knowledge, to generate awareness and prevent more such crimes against the innocent from being committed.
In my experience, the hardest thing for young children to do is find the listener they can trust because they probably trusted the abuser too in the first place or the first listener blows them off.
I’d say, as a parent, it is up to us to create that atmosphere of trust and keep the lines of communication open with our children. Pay attention to the silences.
Absolutely Sue, the parent is the only person the child can turn too, and if the parent too doesnt support the child where will the child turn?
Oh, absolutely. Apart from whatever the damage done at that point in time is what I meant, at least a subsequent expiation.
And yes, fostering the trust that your child can tell you anything and everything, that is hugely important. And noticing the silences.
I agree with that sue… we find it so easy to brush aside what the kids tell us 😦
we need to be more attentive
yes thats the key, if parents don’t listen who will
That is my question…where do we find trusting and trusted listeners? I also think that our parents didn’t know any better. For them, and at that time, CSA wasn’t openly discussed…as far as they were concerned, it probably didn’t exist. And if, unfortunately, their daughter experienced something like this, their immediate concern would be to ‘protect’ their daughter in the best and perhaps only way, they knew how — by shielding her away from the eyes of the world.
yes we agree with that and its on us the parents of this generation to change that
What does the victim do Dipali, if the parents themselves dont listen or dont take the abusers to task.
That is the saddest and also the toughest part. Was discussing the politics and economics of incestuous molestation within the home with a friend yesterday. Sometimes, tragically, the victim is told to put up with it because the molester is the one who feeds her family. Some scenarios are just so revolting. Every woman needs to be able to feed herself and her children if she walks out of such a household. In the ultimate analysis, it is all about power. So empowering all women is the long term way to go.
Yes, absolutely. Abuse thrives on inequality.
My God! So strong of you to have survived all of that, and to stand up today and share your story here. I hope your healing process finds a stimulant through sharing. Such creeps, should be publicly castrated, that is what I believe!
What failed to surprise me though, is the way your parents reacted. I have seen that to be the way always, warn your own child, tell them to ignore comments and acts, stay safe. While I believe it is practical advice to tell young or even little girls, for that matter even boys, to avoid dark lonely places, its that they did not speak up against the violation, or take the perpetrator to task, that really stuns me. Being a mother myself, I know I will physically hurt someone, if they hurt my child, and that is why I don’t get how parents don’t react to such people, not teach them a lesson, or atleast give them an earful. Putting myself in your shoes I believe, I would have felt most betrayed by my parents, more than anyone else, esp if they continued to maintain their relationship with the perpetrators post the incident.
Goofy Mumma, this is what happens in most families. We have heard of cases where the abuser continues to have normal social interaction with the victim and the family.
That is exactly the most hurtful and harmful thing I believe. Somehow physical scars, and even teh wrong doings of outsiders can heal, but betrayal by your own family, them not standing up for you when you most need it, that I believe is the worst possible scar.
I know what you mean. As young girls in small town we are always made to feel that its our fault. Our dressing , our talking , something to do with what we do, sometimes it felt that being born as girl was our fault.
That is what the abusers count on. And yet that is the one change in our mindset that we can bring about ourselves in our time, in our generation, and hopefully create a lasting impact.
Not just in small towns! I grew up in Delhi, and life was no less circumscribed for girls even in the seventies. I do believe that unfortunately things have gotten worse now. Now there is also a great deal jealousy of successful women among men from less privileged backgrounds, which leads to even more abuse.
I absolutely agree with that, I grew up in Delhi and now live in blore and I have seen cases happening at both places.
however dipali I disagree when u say that “things have gotten worse now” my personal thinking is that things have started to be spoken about and hence are coming to notice.
This was always happening. my granny once told me about what she suffered when I was around 16 and broke down in front of her.
this evil has always been there
The evil has always been there, but the nature of the evil has been added on to- working women who drive their own cars being shot at, there is far more aversion to the working woman in perceived positions of power. On the one hand, women have to be empowered for gender equity, but it doesn’t mean that they are not resented for it.
very vaild point here a step forward should not take us a step back right? If that is happening we need sit back think and correct it
Monika, Dipali, I believe it has a lot to do with the kind of values the family holds dear, more than the place they live in. In most Indian families, social standing, and status stands above all else. And they will go to any length to protect that. So they will hush up a case of abuse, just so that it does not tarnish their ‘good’ name. Its really sad, when parents or family choose such flimsy things over their own child! And I personally think that is the worst hurt of all.
GoofyMumma, and apart from family name, there is also the other fear that the child, especially the girl will be considered tarnished goods if word leaks out that the child has been abused.
Its stories like these which really make me want that people should sit through tests and get some training to see if they are qualified to be parents first and foremost.
Some communities do make young people go through pre-marital counselling which includes some thinking on the kind of parents they want to be. Dipali’s comment on people in positions of power over the victim and his/her parents is also very valid.
I agree with Sue there that sentence and the one that says I am not really angry with the men but with my parents… have refused to go away.
I think partly because I could so related to those two… once u are abused the act of pleasure turns into a act of guilt act of shame… and thats the toughest to deal with
just another victim hugs from yet another victim
Hugs, Monika. Sometimes words cannot express it.
Much power to you, you brave girl. This is a sad sad story that is far more common than we’d like to believe. I’d say a good majority of Indian women grow up with body issues. I remember an aunt telling me to tuck my chest in when going out in public. Of course, I ignored her but her daughters couldn’t. Sad.
And I can totally understand your anger towards parents. It’s not them who have to live with our experiences; we do, and they could’ve easily prevented some of the incidents that you write of or could’ve dealt with them better getting you resolution and proving to you that you have them in your court. But like everyone said, you are not alone. I’m grateful that you wrote this because there might be teen girl somewhere reading this who went through the same ad you did and is now feeling that she’s the only one going through it. After reading this, she won’t feel alone, and might even reach out to the right sources for help. So thank you. 🙂
That is why we are inviting so many people to speak up, whether under their own names or anonymously. There are people out there, young children who need to know they are not alone and need not handle this alone.
I agree with you that it is more imp. for parents to make the kid feel secure come whatever may. And a kid is not that confident and aware for stand up for herself. One such incident happened with my younger sis.She was being touched by our landlord’s son.She didn’t even understood it(sis was 3 years) and when i complained to my mom,she kept quiet fearing a fight and embarrassment and told us to stay away.Now i understand her point also that she was bought up to be afraid of such things.But I could not understood for years together that why were we made to fear for no fault.I think its time for everyone to stand up for their family and relatives kids first and then talk here
ritu thats how we look at the issuse as a society, not talking about is our way of dealing with it and that needs to change
Nice blog, I had read each and every line. You are right parents must giude there childrens so that they can overcome and face the challenges that are comming on there ways in day to day life..
Any how …best of luck in your future life
Thank u so much mehmood
awww… my heart goes out to you. Maybe your parents’ idea of protecting you in their absence was to keep you away from all such animals, but it breaks my heart that they didn’t even say anything to the first ‘gentleman’. You were only 5 years old, for heaven’s sake!!!
Maybe a little indication from them to the perpetrators that they were aware of the misdeeds done to their daughter, would have made them think twice. And would certainly have made you feel better over the whole thing.
Sigh!
HUGS!
yes it often takes just one indication from the parents to put an end to it but unfortunately that one indication is rarely given
Every mother and father should read this so that they become closer to their children and make them feel that they are there at all times for them.
Good to know that you are settled down now, girl. Take care.
“Every mother and father should read this so that they become closer to their children and make them feel that they are there at all times for them”
We agree Sandhya
Oh God!!! Why? Why!!!! When will we learn!! Like Sandhya says, EVERY parent must read this. Every parent. And every child too, whenever they are in a position to understand. It will help all of us respect ourselves more. And feel less guilty.
U know pal guilt is such a bad part of all this and the victim often is clueless about it because they have no one to guide them
Hello,
I went through this heart wrenching post and was badly moved. How strong this woman must be, who went through so much and still manages to live a sane life. Having so many relatives and trusted people trying to take advantage of a small child.. how bad can society be.
Its very true that many times parents try to avoid such situations and turn a blind eye so as to avoid any fights. Most of the time, parents try to restrict their child to again be free thus binding not only them, but their confidence too.
It would be very good if parents are able to provide some tools to their children which enables them and empowers them to fight against such elements. They should have the power to say NO.. and a BIG NO .. which is backed by the confidence that their parents are with them if anything happens.
feeling very angry…
Shalini Kaushik
Nobody can guarantee a pervert-free childhood but there are tools with which parents can arm their children. We are and will be also posting pieces by people on what to teach your children.
What flash backs are coming up in my mind right now after reading this.
I feel so sad that our so-called modern and open-minded society is still not accepting this reality and standing up to fight against this.
We as parents have to take this pledge and responsibility today – that we will protect our kids and create a safer envn for everyone. No Abuser should be left wandering around like nothing has happened while that tiny soul bears the burdern for whole life.
Hugs and Much strength to everyone who is standing up to fight!
Thank you Bharti, and hope that this effort will make at least one parent be a little more careful about their children and muster the courage to confront the abuser if it ever happens.
Definitely!!
One Parent is already wide awake to this and in action !
Many Thanks to this awareness drive….u surely generated lot more awareness …”this parent” – Me
Thank u bharti that made us feel our effort is worthy
Hello,
I made my daughter read a few of the articles. She was able to understand it partially. She told me she understood only the good touch, bad touch part.
I wonder what’s the correct age to make them read all this.. if they have not been exposed to anything like this, should they be.. of course they should be aware but what problems can happen if the are unnecessarily exposed to such articles.
Its a vicious circle…
shalini kaushik
How old is your daughter, Shalini? We suggest you start teaching them about good touch bad touch informally from kindergarten and talk in detail by the time the child is around eight. A child merely needs to know that they have the right to stop an adult from behaving in a way that is uncomfortable, makes them feel uneasy or hurts them. The child also needs to know that they can come to a parent and tell them what has happened anytime and not feel scared/guilty/ashamed.
My daughter is 9. I have taught her good touch and bad touch since she has been small , but how much kids understand, is a question I cannot answer.
I have made my kids aware that their parents are around for whatever issues there might be.
Thanks for the instant reply.
My concern is unnecessary burden with the know-how.
There is a ad coming in TV,the ads addresses to the kids to tell parents about the bad touch,beating by the teachers etc.Was trying for a youtube link but not able find it,the ad starts “Wake up Kid tera life ha yaa…….Hum Janta ha apna hak.The ad is done by Ministry of Women and Child development.
Shalini, these posts might be a little too disturbing for a 9 year old. You know your daughter best, of course. It’s great that she is confident about good (safe) touch and bad (unsafe) touch.
Saritha, thank you!
Thank you saritha . Will check the ad.
A very good initiative CSA .
A very touching and courageous post .
thank u krishna leela
As said by Sandhya every parent should read this and before pointing fingers towards your own kid point it towards the person who abused your own child.
well said Saritha
Wow! You have told my story. The only difference is despite being fat I was molested by my uncle and other ‘well wishers’. I am yet to understand what drives these molestors.
Yes, I agree with you on the parents part. Each time this topic comes up at home, my father clams up and mother gets angry (as if that’s solve what they couldn’t do back then). Nowadays it just doesn’t affect me and I have reached a level of indifference toward my parents’ opinions on various matters. I feel they have failed me in many ways.
I’m getting married in 23 days, there are still fights at home, stress and a longing to get out of here. But the guilt eats me up at times. Sometimes, I imagine myself having children and watching my parents playing with them (all in my mind’s eye). I’m very confused regd my relationship with my parents. My mother has been suffering from Arthiritis since 23 yrs ( I am 24 now) and I think that must be the major cause for our parents to be distracted from giving complete attention to my pleads..
Take care and let us be the change we want to see.
Absolutely. Let us be the change we want to see is exactly why we have started this initiative. Thank you for sharing your story.
it is indeed terrible that so many of us went through these experiences. And i think our parents’ generation just did know how to deal with it. and it such a loss! 😦
i try to tell my 3.5yr about good touch, bad touch and yet dont know where to draw the line because i dont want them to have difficulty trusting people.
i guess like MM said in her post one just has to keep a watch.
hugs to you. wishing you a life full of trust and love.
Thank you Abha, true, one has to be watchful, and one has to also tread the delicate balance between keeping a child’s trusting nature and yet empower the child enough to stand up to abuse if it does occur.
It was heart-breaking to read this.. And what truly hits home is how common it is, and how easily any child could become a victim. And it is upto us as parents to do everything to prevent this.
The best thing is that today, we are more aware, we know that it is not something that happens in ‘other societies or countries’ and we can avoid it if we, as parents are on the lookout, and if we give our children the confidence to talk to us, and take them seriously.
Yes I think this generation of parent and kids are indeed fortunate in that sense
You know, after reading this extremely disturbing material all of today, I do realise that in Indian society at least, male children are brought up in a very faulty manner if so many of them are, at various ages/stages of their lives, perpetrators of abuse.
Popular culture depicts random acts of molestation as romance.
Female relatives generally indulge the male child.
Where is the moral training of our sons?
How do we sensitize them towards other members of the family- the old, the young, the opposite sex?
How do we tell them that violating another person’s space is wrong?
Touching someone against their will is wrong?
Touching a younger person’s body inappropriately is wrong?
(There are female abusers too, but not as common as male ones).
And yet we need to trust others. Such a tricky tight rope walk this is.
Trust others by all means, but do not give them the opportunity to harm your children. MM’s post today accurately described the parenting methods of many parents who have been victims in their time. It is indeed a tricky tightrope walk.
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This post makes me so angry, I can barely speak. I wouldn’t blame the parents for what happens to their children – indeed, I don’t think any amount of “watching” can protect children from encounters with perverts. But to hold her responsible and lead her to question her gender, strangle her sexuality & spirit as a human being – is as disgusting as what the abusers do.
I’m glad you haven’t ended up a wreck. If nothing else, please know that you are not alone, you are beautiful and wholesome and wonderful, and no twisted psycho, and no cowardly parent can take that away from you.
On the rest of the comments: Although I would believe every parent has a moral duty to (and indeed, cannot call themselves a “parent” unless) support, protect and educate their children, parents cannot always blame themselves for what happens to the children either – and neither can they be paranoid about every moment that their children spend out of their eyes. As a whole, society needs to be more responsible. Teachers, for e.g. have a good share in developing the moral fabric of an individual, and I believe that such topics – including protecting oneself, must be also spoken about at school. Having a person outside home to talk to , is especially beneficial when the abuser is right at home. Of course, there may be difficulties for a teacher to actually intervene in the household unless the parents are supportive – but atleast a teacher can tell a child that he/she is not at fault. I am sure many many children, are just waiting for us to tell them that.
The role of a teacher came up in the Twitter chat today with Anuja from RAHI: in the USA teachers are apparently mandated by law to report all cases of probable abuse to the concerned authorities. In India we have no such law and unfortunately very few of our teachers have the sensitivity and training to approach such a situation in an appropriate fashion. That is an area that we need to work on, as you rightly point out.
Sometimes, why some !?! at most times, I wish we had the power to destroy all these men! Fortunately, my Mom explained it all to me so well, while I ws the one who used to close her ears aand run away as though
I should not be listening to such things. It’s only nw that I understand how important it was for me then and how much that support mattered to me.
Am glad parents of this gen are better listeners and also dnt shy away from talking abt a few things.
Superb initiative here!
Thank you, Swaram. Please tell your mother today how proud you are of her for teaching you and empowering you thus. 🙂